LPC - Article

In pairs with different temperaments, it is not easy to achieve mutual understanding. When partners begin to live together, the differences in the rhythm of life and tastes can ruin relationships. How to avoid this? Tips of Sofia Dembling, author of the popular book « Way of Introvert ».

Sofia Dembling is a writer, author of the book “Introverts in Love: The Quiet Way to Happily Ever AFTER”, Tarcherperigee, 2015).

1.Agree on the borders

Introverts love borders (even if they do not admit it). They feel comfortable only in a well -mastered, familiar space. This applies to both things and rituals. “You take my headphones again? Why did you rearrange my chair? You got into the room, but now I can’t find anything « . Actions that seem natural to you, your introvert partner can perceive as an invasion.

“It’s good when a more open partner respects the personal space of another,” says Sophia Dembling. – But this does not mean that you must forget about yourself. As in other situations, a compromise is important here. Find the time to talk about what kind of situation each of you considers comfortable. Write down the moments when you have a misunderstanding – not to present a “account” to the partner, but to analyze them and understand how to avoid conflicts ”.

2.Do not take a partner’s reaction to your account

Oleg enthusiastically talks about her ideas on how to spend the weekend. But Katya does not seem to hear him: he answers monosyllables, he speaks in an indifferent tone. Oleg begins to think: “What is wrong with her? It’s because of me? Again she is unhappy with something. He probably thinks that I only think about entertainment « .

“Introverts may seem sad or angry. But this does not mean that they really get angry or sad « 

“Introverts can go into themselves in order to concentrate, think over an important thought or digest impressions,” explains Sofia Dembling. – At such moments, they may seem sad, dissatisfied or angry. But this does not mean at all that they really get angry or sad. The emotions of introverts are not always obvious, and you will need more sensitivity to recognize them « .

3.Teach yourself to ask questions

One of the common cognitive distortions of introverts is the conviction that others see and understand the same as they. For example, an introvert may stay at work until late and completely not think about warning a partner about it. Or go to another city without saying anything. Such actions can irritate and cause a feeling of annoyance: “Does he really not understand that I am worried? »

“A useful strategy in this case is to ask and listen,” says Sofia Dembling. – What worries your partner now? That he would like to discuss? What would he like to share? Bring to a partner that your communication is a security zone where he does not need to defend himself and carefully select words « .

4.Choose the right points for conversation

Introverts have a reputation of tights. It can be difficult for them to formulate their thoughts, quickly react to your question or new idea. If you want to talk about something important, ask your partner when it would be convenient for him to do it. Assign regular time to discuss plans, problems and considerations about your life together.

“For an introvert, an active partner can be very useful when it comes to the need to make a difficult decision or change something in himself,” says Sofia Demling. – One of my favorite examples from the book is the story of Kristen, who is used to “sweeping under the carpet” all the difficulties associated with relations. But she married a very active person who encouraged her to act every time, and she was grateful to him. « .

5.Remember: an introvert does not mean an alien

Anton found out that Olga went to dance classes without saying anything to him. In response to his discontent, she tried to make excuses: “Well, there are a lot of people, loud music. You don’t like it all « . This situation is quite typical for couples with different temperaments. At first, partners are trying to change each other. But then they get tired and fall into another extreme – « each on their own ».

“Your partner may well like to spend time in the company of friends or go to concerts with you,” says Sofia Dembling. – But for him the question “how”, and not “what” can be more important for him. For example, he does not like incendiary Latin dances, but with enthusiasm he responds to the offer to learn to dance a waltz, where the movements are thin and graceful. You can almost always find the third option that would arrange both. But for this you need to be in contact with each other and not look at the relationship as an endless corridor with closed doors « .